It has been several months since we were all put in lockdown because of the pandemic. From the quick break we were all hoping for, to an experience that we will remember for the rest of our lives. As COVID 19 cases increased rapidly we were also quickly consumed by all our fears and doubts.
As someone who loves being in control of everything this situation has given me an anxious heart. This anxiety has caused me to be emotional most of the time and to feel really weak spiritually. This led me to detach myself from the people around me. My personal limitations also put me and caused me self-doubt which hindered me to take more risks for the Lord. Having anxiety was a challenge for me to carry on and to overcome, and it pulled me out of any decision I need to make. It started to swallow my concept of a good life. During those trying times, my responsibility as a daughter, as an employee and as a missionary was gradually being overthrown by fear. Worrying about how I will start another day overcoming my anxieties, fears, and doubts, is a non-stop job.
Until a sudden realization hit me and finally I was able to understand why I was experiencing all those things. It was because I try to control everything so much that it caused me more pain fighting over the things I cannot change. I was too focused on the things I wanted to see that I was not able to see God in the whole process. Every time I talk to Him, I can only see myself asking for the things I don’t have rather than thanking Him for the blessings I have received. I was pushing myself intensely to meet the expectations and standards of the world. I was worrying too much that I failed to see the important things. And because I was recognizing the negative side, I see myself drifting away from the Lord.
What I was doing was so tiring that it drained me but I am so thankful that the Source of the living water was and always will be by my side, ready to fill me up. This phase of my life has taught me a lot which I think played a great part in helping me strengthen myself and my relationship with Him. Through all those I have learned to recognize God even in the suffering. Just like this pandemic, our brokenness is another unique experience with God. The more we experience the breaking, the more we experience God’s greatness. The process may be tough but His presence will always be there.
“I command you: be firm and steadfast! Do not fear nor be dismayed, for the Lord, your God is with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9
Let us allow the process and the struggles that comes with it to strengthen our wings so that when things are so overwhelming that it drowns us, we can still fly. Let us embrace the ache because it is God’s reminder that better days are coming. It is in the darkness that we’ll see light. Let us all remind ourselves to gracefully accept all our heartaches, for if not for these crosses we wouldn’t be closer to God.
Kim Palayad is a Mission Volunteer of MFC Youth serving in the Luzon Missions Team.