A year ago, I was called to be the area servant for the province of Cavite. Of course, who would have said no – it’s totally a YES! But a week after, I faced some difficulty. Some people could not accept what happened and questioned the whole process of my appointment and discernment. They told me I was just a victim of wrong decision-making. I kept convincing myself that I understand and that I will understand. But I could not cope up. It felt like I was running in a field, being left far behind by other people as if they were 50 laps ahead of me. There are many others who were far way better than me. Again, I could not catch up.
Eventually, I was called to be a mission volunteer. Of course, who would have said no – it’s totally a YES! But I experienced difficulty again. This time, it felt like I was running 100 laps behind. I could not cope up again. Why could I not keep up?
My frustrations doubled. I felt discouraged and down. I no longer want to continue. I thought at that time that it would be best to give up. I was too tired. I started to question God. “Lord, you know that it is so hard for me to cope. You know that I am afraid of big groups and large crowds. It will take some time for me to adjust to my new service. Why, Lord? I am so tired. I can not do it.”
But during the time of quarantine, God made sure that the uncertain, the unclear, the doubts that I have will find clarity. God reminded me that He called me not because of who I am but because He loves me so much. He wants me to have a life like no other–a life that is lived to the full. He knows me and that is why He wants me to overcome my fears. He wants to change me. He wants me to see things in a new perspective. He wants me to see that His greatness will manifest in me.
Second, I realized that all this time, I had the wrong motivations in running the race and that I am running on a different track. I always thought that I need to chase other people, that I need to be like them, but the truth is, God only wants me to just walk beside Him. No running but just relishing every moment with Him.
Lastly, God revealed to me that my heart should always be aligned to His. Not until I surrendered my fears and let God do His will did the mission He entrusted took off.
As servants and mission volunteers, we should always seek God even more in times of uncertainty. By grace, His answers will come.
Anne Tumaque is a Mission Volunteer of MFC Youth serving in the Luzon Mission Team.